I have always been a seeker of open spaces.
The expansive feeling of looking out over an unobstructed horizon and not being constrained by the illusion of limitations deeply inspires me, fueling my passion to pursue freedom (and infinite possibilities!) in all that I do.
I also crave the wiggle room of smaller cities over metropolises. For me, they elicit a feeling of spaciousness around creativity. That sense that there is still more to do rather than it already having been done.
This innate need for spaciousness affects me viscerally, too. I actually experience claustrophobia and dizziness in spaces that are too hilly, deeply forested, or over populated. I become a caged bird with my soul longing to fly away from the confines these seemingly inhibiting spaces offer!
Growing up on the family-friendly Mississippi Gulf Coast with plenty of room to grow and play while gazing out over the serene Gulf of Mexico had something to do with this, I am sure. And this is why I find comfort living in the open spaces of ample deserts or next to vast oceans where star-filled skies and breathtaking panoramic vistas are my daily norm.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I am genuinely a people person who enjoys nothing more than sharing spacious times with friends and family! I have even been lovingly nicknamed the “queen of logistics” by my family because I derive great pleasure out of planning events. Yet curiously enough, I still dream of being free from the constraints of space, time, and — sometimes — even people in this life.
Perhaps this is because our society shares this collective idea that “having time” looks like an expanse of free and unoccupied space on our calendars?
I know that I’ve personally internalized the beliefs that free time is necessary for creativity to have space to emerge and that getting everything done to free up space on my calendar is the ultimate goal. If I could be granted one superpower, it would be to bend time — and ultimately — space in my favor. Can you relate?
But could space actually be independent of time and what occupies it?
Interestingly, it wasn’t that long ago when I was feeling lost in all the space that had suddenly emerged in my life. I had just moved to Hawaii (sight unseen and without knowing a soul here) to experience my first solo adventure at the age of 38. I remember lamenting to my sister over the phone that I felt like no one needed me anymore as I was engulfed by this new space that was opening up in my life in between my marriages and living away from my older children. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself!
Ironically, this space I had always dreamed of having was suddenly more than I could handle. I felt just as paralyzed with the realization that I had too much space as I had often felt when I thought I just needed more.
For as much as I might like to soar the skies of freedom in spirit, I had spent my entire adult life grounded with my wings clipped by the duties of young motherhood born out of my first marriage. And as I finally grew out those clipped feathers, spread my wings and took flight, it didn’t take long for me to miss the lofty nest from which I emerged.
You see, there is nothing more grounding than motherhood. (Cue this freedom loving bird falling from the sky…lol!)
Talk to any new mother and she will tell you that as expansive as the experience of motherhood can be, it is also just as space-absorbing and earth-shattering as a black hole is to stars. But like the phoenix rising from the ashes, the experience of motherhood could also be likened to becoming a super nova. After all, we women birth the cosmos!
Now as a gap mom at the age of 43 (with two new daughters from my second marriage who are currently aged 3 years and 10 months), this Mother Earth is once again being orbited by little baby moons. And their gravitational pull is so strong that it has me feeling grounded yet again!
Perhaps this is also why it is so important to me that my surroundings be vast and uplifting because my mothering life often feels weighty and all consuming!
Over the course of the day—and often as I grow more stressed and touched out—I start to hear myself say “this is MY space,” “PLEASE respect my space,” “mommy NEEDS her space now,” etc. These are the moments when I feel like I am being sucked into the great space vacuum of motherhood.
But when I surrender to what I call “mothering time,” then a new space opens up around my children and me, offering us a glimpse of life without time dictating it. Curling up like a spiraling galaxy, with my body wrapping around theirs as they nestle into the nooks and crannies of my limbs, we relax and enter into a matrix space where time stands still and the vacuum disappears.
And, paradoxically, it is in this shining space where I am learning that my creativity and freedom do not live in the boundless space of the distant horizons!
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